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God's Congress
God's Congress is a policy making body that passes moral legislation on behalf of God himself. The members of God's Congress exemplify the highest standards of God's virtues, nixo-facto they have been chosen to codify those virtues for the rest of humanity. This elect group of lawmakers earned membership in God's Congress in various ways, but they share the common trait of having once served time as secular public servants in the "training ground" of America's Congress before moving on to higher and better chambers. Unlike America's Congress, however, God's Congress is unicameral.This means "Single chambered," or "One housed," for those of you who failed your High School Civics class. It has nothing at all to do with the Unicamel. After all, there is only one God; why, then, would He need two houses of Congress? Current Members Like The Colbert Nation, God's Congress is a non-partisan body, with Republican, Dixiecrat, and Independent members. Currently serving members include * Speaker Pro-Tempore: Strom Thurmond, Republican, South Carolina Senator in Perpetuity * Majority Leader: Jesse Helms, Republican, North Carolina, Once and Future Senator * Minority Leader: Harry F. Byrd, Dixiecrat, former Virginia Senator, 1933-1965 * Majority Whip: Trent Lott, Republican, current Mississippi Senator, occassional party leader, 2001-present * Minority Whip: Zell Miller, Dixiecrat, former Georgia Senator, 2000-2005 * Tom DeLay, Republican, former Texas Representative and "Hammer," 1985-2006 * Rick Santorum, Republican, former Pennsylvania Senator, 1995-2006 * Bill Frist, Republican, former Tennessee Senator, 1995-2006 * George Macacawitz Allen, Republican, former Virginia Representative, 1991-1993; Senator, 2001-2006 * Henry Clay, Whig, former Kentucky Representative; Senator; Speaker of the House; Secretary of State, all a really long time ago * Albert B. Fall, Republican, former New Mexico Senator, 1912-1921; Secretary of the Interior, 1921-1923 * Joseph McCarthy, Republican, former Wisconsin Senator, 1947-1957 * John Ashcroft, Republican, former Missouri Senator, 1995-2001; Attorney General, 2001-2005 Officers of God's Senate (Appointed) * Chaplain: Reverend Pat Robertson * Sergeant at Arms: Donald Rumsfeld * Doorkeeper: John Bolton * Chairman of Page Board: currently vacant * Secretary: Michelle Malkin * Parliamentarian: Jack Abramoff * Supply Boy: Ralph Reed * Ass Kicker: Clint Eastwood * Name Taker: position still open Election Election to God's Congress is one of the highest honors a human being can ever hope to achieve, and is attained through one or more of the following processes: * Direct ascension to HeavenNo known cases * Natural DeathThurmond; Clay; Fall; McCarthy; Byrd. In progress: Helms * Senility, Alzheimers, and/or Syphilis-Induced Dementia Thurmond (pre-death); Miller * Loss of Secular Congressional Seat to Godless LiberalSantorum; Allen; McCarthy (pre-death) * Loss of Secular Congressional Seat to Baseless Allegations of WrongdoingDeLay (fraud); Fall (Teapot Dome Scandal); Santorum (santorum) * Loss of Secular Congressional Seat to Civil UnrestClay (a pre-Colbertian truthitician; McCarthy (not his fault) Scapegoating,Fall (the original "fall guy"?) or DefenestrationAnticipating the 2011 membership of Mitch McConnell * OtherIn cases of extra-ordinary faithiness, God does allow some members of America's Congress to serve their secular appointments simultaneously with their legislative duties in God's Congress. Members for whom this exception has been made include Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms, and Joseph McCarthy. After the mid-term elections of 2006, the only member of God's Congress doing double duty is Bill Frist. Advisory Panel Just like America's Congress, God's Congress often calls upon the expertise of a group of Advisors to help them in their work of legislating moral law for The American People. This very special Advisory Panel is made up of people who have proven their unrivaled ability to defend against blasphemy, promote faithiness, and declare truthyisms in the service of God, America's Planet, and God's Law. Current Members of The God's Congress Advisory Panel include: * Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., Chair'MAN'God doesn't truck with any of that Femi-nazi "Chairperson" nonsense. * Dr. James Dobson, Special Advisor on Virginality * Dr. President George W. Bush, Special Advisor on Abstinence * Reverend Pat Robertson, Special Advisor on Homosinuality * The Right Reverend Bill "Papa Bear" O'Reilly, Special Advisor on Falafel * Anita Bryant, Special Advisor on The Gays * Pope Benedict XVI, Special Advisor on Satanism and Harry Potter * Rush Limbaugh, Special Advisor on Stem Cell Research and Drug Abuse * Ann Coulter, Special Advisor on A Woman's Place * Ronald Reagan's Ghost, Special Advisor on Everything Notable Achievements of God's Congress Historic Campaigns * God's Congress v. Browns, Boards of Education All of the current members of God's Congress are 100% non-racistUnder the brilliant tutelage of Professor Doctor Stephen Colbert, D.F.A., some of the younger members have even progressed to the more advanced state of acquired color-blindness., so anyone who tries to tell you that the actions of the Congress in this landmark case were based on bigotry or hatred of the dark peoples are uncool revisionist historians. No, this historical law was simply a reflection of the concerns God's Congress felt about the encroachment of the secular progressives agenda into America's schools. Sure, it seems like a harmless enough move to allow the ethnics to study alongside white children. But it's a slippery slope from that to miscegenation. And miscegenation leads to mutation. And as Charles Darwin clearly stated, mutation is the engine of evolution. And if Charles Darwin is right, then nixo facto, the communists have won and we might just as well shoot God in the back of the head right now and put him out of his misery. Because that's obviously where this whole thing is leading, isn't it? "There is no God," the children will cry. Who will think of the children? God's Congress, that's who. God's Congress always thinks of the children. That's why they took on the Browns and the Boards of Education. To protect the precious (white) children from the sinful, thought-provoking influences of both. * God's Congress Builds Fort Marriage * God's Congress Establishes Three New National Holidays :May 13 - Our Glorious Stephen's Birthday :February 6 - Ronald Reagan's Birthday :October 17 - Colbert Report Day Everyone in America celebrates these holidays with fireworks and Feasting. None of that Monday crap, either. These are holy''days. You celebrate them when they fall. * 'God's Congress Brings Down Pornography and/or the NEA' Why spend a little bit of money on art when we could spend a lot of money waging holy wars? Besides, art is full of the devil's mischief. Look at one Mapplethorpe photograph or attend one Tim Miller performance, and you can be sure you're going straight to hell.Members of God's Congress would probably attest that doing either is already the equivalent of being ''in hell. "Art" makes people gay or intellectual, and neither one is good. * God's Congress Wages the War... ::on Drugs ::on Terror ::on the War on Christmas ::on Wages Notes